Sometimes, when the mood strikes me (or when I’ve been beaten down by the constant whining) I let my son choose his own special food at the grocery store. There is no need to read the label on this item—it’s pretty much a guarantee that it will be full of high-fructose corn syrup, numbered food dyes, or trans-fats—or quite possibly all three. But he’s seven, and I’m a sucker.
And so, that is how the can of Easy Cheese ended up in my house. Because what’s more fun to a seven-year-old boy than eating “food” from a spray nozzle? Holistic mommies be damned!
It all seemed so easy—my son was happy and amused, and I’d thrown him a handful of multigrain-grain organic crackers to give the whole experience a hint of nutritive value. And then I dropped the can on the floor.
It took a mere five seconds for the pressurized can to discharge its entire load, erupting in a cheese-like fireworks display two feet into the air and turning my kitchen floor into an edible Jackson Pollock.
So if anyone from Kraft Foods is reading this, I suggest you put the following warning on the can. “CAUTION: Easy Cheese May Cause Unexpected Hardships, Particularly to Those Consumers Who Don’t Like to Mop Their Kitchen Floors.”